Dreams in the Dark
by mvdiva
Summary: Spike is unable to sleep one night, and reflects on an aspect of his past. (Vaguely SxJ)


**Disclaimer:** Cowboy Bebop and all the characters therein are the product of Bandai Entertainment and Sunrise, Inc. I earn nothing from this story. Please review-it makes my world go 'round. Song lyrics are from Avril Lavigne's _Anything But Ordinary_ off her **Let Go** record.

Dreams in the Dark 

Sometimes I get so weird  
I even freak myself out  
I laugh myself to sleep  
It's my lullaby

            It was one of those nights where something is off just enough for you to not be able to fall asleep. Sometimes it was too hot, some days too cold. Once in a while, there would a strange noise that made me reach for my gun on the little nightstand near my head - probably one of my ragtag comrades. There were so many little things to keep the paranoid staring at the ceiling all night long. It was always the same, except tonight.

            Tonight was different. I couldn't place my finger on it, but some element was keeping me awake. The soft glow from the digital display read as 02:30, and I sighed softly. Above my head, the Jet Li poster held its eternal pose in shadow, and the few pieces of furniture positioned around the room took on sinister hulking characteristics in the dark. 

Sometimes I drive so fast  
Just to feel the danger  
I wanna scream  
It makes me feel alive

            I was edgy. It was the only word that could describe the urge to jump at every little sound. I briefly thought about grabbing one of my last precious cigarettes, but decided not to after thinking how much effort it required to sit up. It was one thing to hang around in a smoky room during the day, but it was another to try and sleep in one at night. 

            At last, I settled on counting faces. It was a little habit I had picked up years ago when trying to get to sleep, and it had never failed to send me off to that wonderful land of nothingness for a few hours. The first few faces from my past drifted by easily enough. Annie…Mao…several of the friends and allies I had within the Syndicate…and then her face. This was the reason why I hated to focus on anything about my life more than a year past. And yet, I needed to get to sleep. Again I closed my eyes, and tried to remember every detail of her face without feeling the same pain. 

Is it enough to love?  
Is it enough to breath?  
Somebody rip my heart out  
And leave me here to bleed  
  


            The problem with me is, I don't let things go. There's the old advice to let things slide, like water off a duck's back. As for me, well, I've never been able to grasp that one. I think Jet's caught on, because he tries to avoid any talk of the past most of the time. When he finally told me how he lost his arm, I had to hold back a smile. If it had been me in his shoes, well, that good old partner of his would have been long gone. 

            My thoughts drifted for what seemed like a few minutes, but then I was sitting straight up, panting and trying to get a grasp on reality. My dark room was comfortable in its familiarity, but the sudden horror of the dream still had me tight in its grasp. I turned to look at the clock. It had only been about half an hour, but I suddenly felt old. 

            In the dream, everything had been ripped away from me. I had died, but not the way it was supposed to have been. I was falling, desperately trying to grab onto anything that would save me, and then it stopped. It was a familiar dream, but still no less terrifying. No more face game tonight, huh? I thought to myself.

            A familiar voice had been calling to me, weeping and pleading for me to wait, just wait one more minute. But how was I supposed to wait for that ethereal voice when there was nothing to support me? Sitting cross-legged on my bed now, I passed a shaky hand over my face and through my sleep tangled hair.

Is it enough to die?  
Somebody save my life  
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

            Julia's voice had crossed over from my subconscious to memory, and I could almost hear her low musical voice in my head now. The short time we had spent together was forever ingrained in whatever part of me still passed for my heart. I sighed into the darkness. It had been a little over three years since I had faked my death, but the only thing I missed from my past life was her, warm against me. 

            That abyss that had pulled at me in the dream – it was the same emptiness I felt inside of me now. Hollow, and completely void of any attachment to the life I led now. I rolled over, and finally found a comfortable position on my left side. Hell, if Julia were waiting for me at the bottom of that seemingly endless tunnel, I would have willingly dived down to meet her.

            As I finally felt myself sinking back into that warm place of unconsciousness, I envisioned my golden angel smiling down at me. This life wasn't over yet, even as much as I wished it were. When Death came for me, I decided to welcome it with open arms. My dreams of a life worth living weren't meant to ever see the light of day, especially if Julia wasn't there by my side. It would never be enough to live if she weren't there.

Is it enough?  
Is it enough to die?  
Somebody save my life…

SWEET DREAMS, COWBOY.

  
 

              
  



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